The Ultimate Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Tamil Movie Superstar

1. Grow a moustache
Being Indian, and a Tamil, you have to possess the ability to grow a moustache, the thicker the better. Seriously, it is mandatory. For some reasons, the moustache is the symbol of masculinity among the Tamil community and failing to grow or even having the ability to grow one is considered a dishonour to the community and race.

2. Go retro
Times have changed and so does fashion, but YOU will represent 1995. Wear a white t-shirt and a pair of old jeans. Top it off with a shirt on top, preferably bright coloured. Tie the end of both the sides of the shirt together to form a knot that sits just nicely over your belt. Wear white sneakers, preferably Reebok.

3. Practice your dance moves
Tamil movies have always been focused on the song scenes more than the plot, and 5 out of the 6 songs in a movie involves a lot of dancing, apart from running around coconut trees. To have an extra edge over other actors, choreograph a move of your own. If you're unable to dance or choreograph a move on your own, just hop around and flap your arms. All moves are welcomed.

4. Punch dialogues
Come up with creative lines to sound a little macho with the girls, and when being confronted by the state assemblyman's henchmen, use lines that would strike both fear and annoyance in them. Make sure that you use various intonations for each of the lines to express the message you are conveying.

5. Bloodshot eyes
When being confronted by thugs, the best way to strike fear in them is by using your eyes. Bloodshot eyes reflect the anger and annoyance in you and tells that you have no fear in taking them down. The best natural way to get your eyes reddened naturally is by drinking heavy doses of cheap liquor/moonshine.

6. Be vain about yourself
Very, very vain. Pretend that you are the most good looking hunk in your town even though the local bus conductor is better. Have a lot of confidence in your looks and body. Pretend that you're the guy all the girls in town are after desperately.

7. Get a motorcyle
Get a motorcycle to fulfill your loitering needs. Ride it around without your helmet to look extra macho. Make sure to stop by the women's college when classes end to catch the girls. Show off how loud and smoky your machine is.

8. Have a group of friends
Make sure your group of friends possess a collective IQ that is lower than yours. This will provide great comedy fillers and also boost your image as the only smart individual around.

9. Get an education
Even if you couldn't qualify for college, pretend to be a college goer by just hanging out at the campus with minimal amount of books in your hands. It would be best to join a government funded college to portray the image of yourself being from a middle/working class family, which would thicken the plot when you fall in love with a wealthy girl from a private college.

10. Come from a middle/working class family
For the reasons mentioned in the previous point. If you're from an upper class family, walk out on your folks and rent a cheap flat. If you're from a lower class family, walk out on your folks and get yourself adopted by a middle class family.

11. Fall in love with a wealthy girl
For the same reason as mentioned earlier. Do not bother falling for a girl from your same community or lower as it would just shorten the film to less than an hour. Remember, a thick plot is the key to a movie and it's actor/hero's success.

12. Ensure the ability to grow a beard
The moustache would do just fine, but make sure you're capable of growing a beard in case there are scenes that involve relationship/marriage breakups.

13. Have a 'style' of your own
Hand and leg movements are essential in making yourself look stylish. The audience are always up and ready for an actor who has style. Even if you have zero talent in acting, your stylish movements would round it up to a perfect ten. When making hand and leg gestures, make sure you a hire a sound effects specialist to standby nearby to provide the appropriate sound effects for your every move, even if you're just flashing the middle finger.

14. Pretend to be charitable
Visit your nearest beggar and give him a good hug and a donation. Arrange a caterer to provide food for the homeless and play with the kids at the orphanage even if you dislike children. Make sure the press are around to capture these moments, it will help boost your image.

15. Procrastinate your political direction
Even if you're not into politics or don't even know what politics is about, pretend to be actively making political remarks such as criticizing the government on their lack of initiative in helping the needy. Always include the needy in your topics to win the heart of the public. When questioned on your political stand or direction, tell them you're not interested in joining politics, you just want to help the people. You will be admired and worshiped like a God after that, with posters and effigies of yourself decorating the streets.

Once you have all these criterion, you are ready to make your debut in the Tamil cinema industry. If you abide by all the rules mentioned, your chances of becoming a superstar is surely guaranteed. Once you are a superstar, you will enjoy these perks:

1. Immortality
Even against a thousand men with machine guns, 95% of the bullets will miss you by inches and the remaining 5% that hit you aren't lethal enough to kill you. You will also have the ability to jump off the 10th level of a building and land safely at ground zero.

2. The ability to fly
A superstar is practically weightless and does not need a cape or a red underwear worn outside during fight scenes. A superstar can jump from one building to the other without much effort. No strings attached.

3. Instantly become a martial arts specialist
You may have got your bottom whooped in karate class during primary school but all that is history when you're a superstar. Be it Kung Fu, Karate, Judo, Taek-Wan Do, Silambam, Wushu or even Sumo, you are the Grand Master. You are a Jedi Master greater than Qui Gon Jinn because ol' Quiggy lost to Darth Maul and if you were to square off with Darth Maul, you will beat him because in Tamil cinema, only the good will prevail in the end.

4. Lawsuit free
When fighting, you will break lamps, set mills and cars on fire and even blow up the White House, but you won't have anything to worry because none of the owners will dare take up a lawsuit against you because of your status. They wouldn't even ask for compensation. They would gladly exhibit their damages and say "The Superstar was here and he broke this".

5. Babe magnet
You might have the face of an ape but you will have Aishwarya Rai on your heels. You are the greatest flirt there is, with every single girl going head over heels for you. But remember, you can only flirt, the sex only comes after marriage.

6. The bigger the better
As a superstar, there isn't much worry about maintaining your weight. The bigger you are, the better. Even at 175kg you will still be able to fly.

7. Your words are divine
Whatever you say, your words are considered biblical and will be followed by everyone. You are the Messiah with an underwear instead of a loincloth. Your 'punch dialogues' are so powerful your enemies lose half their strength with the urine they pass when they hear your words.

8. No offense with abuse of women
Whether you're a husband, boyfriend, fiance, brother or a son, hitting a woman only proves your masculinity and it is ensured that no lawsuits will follow.

9. Flawless
With all those Kalkis, Arasis, and Chittis (Tamil serials) portraying the women as a flawless race, the silver screen proves the opposite. The men, especially the superstar is always innocent and right and all relationship/marriage breakups are the faults of the women.

10. Best treatment for hair loss
As you age, you will be facing hair loss between the ranges of slightly and shiningly bald. You shouldn't be worried of this because as a superstar, you will be granted jet-black, stylish hair in a matter of moments.

11. Eternal youth
Even after 37 years in the industry, you do not have to worry of being offered fatherly roles because as a superstar, you will be automatically offered a role of a character within the age range of late teens to early thirties, alongside the heroine who happens to be your granddaughter.