1. Grow a moustache
Being Indian, and a Tamil, you have to possess the ability to grow a moustache, the thicker the better. Seriously, it is mandatory. For some reasons, the moustache is the symbol of masculinity among the Tamil community and failing to grow or even having the ability to grow one is considered a dishonour to the community and race.
2. Go retro
Times have changed and so does fashion, but YOU will represent 1995. Wear a white t-shirt and a pair of old jeans. Top it off with a shirt on top, preferably bright coloured. Tie the end of both the sides of the shirt together to form a knot that sits just nicely over your belt. Wear white sneakers, preferably Reebok.
3. Practice your dance moves
Tamil movies have always been focused on the song scenes more than the plot, and 5 out of the 6 songs in a movie involves a lot of dancing, apart from running around coconut trees. To have an extra edge over other actors, choreograph a move of your own. If you're unable to dance or choreograph a move on your own, just hop around and flap your arms. All moves are welcomed.
4. Punch dialogues
Come up with creative lines to sound a little macho with the girls, and when being confronted by the state assemblyman's henchmen, use lines that would strike both fear and annoyance in them. Make sure that you use various intonations for each of the lines to express the message you are conveying.
5. Bloodshot eyes
When being confronted by thugs, the best way to strike fear in them is by using your eyes. Bloodshot eyes reflect the anger and annoyance in you and tells that you have no fear in taking them down. The best natural way to get your eyes reddened naturally is by drinking heavy doses of cheap liquor/moonshine.
6. Be vain about yourself
Very, very vain. Pretend that you are the most good looking hunk in your town even though the local bus conductor is better. Have a lot of confidence in your looks and body. Pretend that you're the guy all the girls in town are after desperately.
7. Get a motorcyle
Get a motorcycle to fulfill your loitering needs. Ride it around without your helmet to look extra macho. Make sure to stop by the women's college when classes end to catch the girls. Show off how loud and smoky your machine is.
8. Have a group of friends
Make sure your group of friends possess a collective IQ that is lower than yours. This will provide great comedy fillers and also boost your image as the only smart individual around.
9. Get an education
Even if you couldn't qualify for college, pretend to be a college goer by just hanging out at the campus with minimal amount of books in your hands. It would be best to join a government funded college to portray the image of yourself being from a middle/working class family, which would thicken the plot when you fall in love with a wealthy girl from a private college.
10. Come from a middle/working class family
For the reasons mentioned in the previous point. If you're from an upper class family, walk out on your folks and rent a cheap flat. If you're from a lower class family, walk out on your folks and get yourself adopted by a middle class family.
11. Fall in love with a wealthy girl
For the same reason as mentioned earlier. Do not bother falling for a girl from your same community or lower as it would just shorten the film to less than an hour. Remember, a thick plot is the key to a movie and it's actor/hero's success.
12. Ensure the ability to grow a beard
The moustache would do just fine, but make sure you're capable of growing a beard in case there are scenes that involve relationship/marriage breakups.
13. Have a 'style' of your own
Hand and leg movements are essential in making yourself look stylish. The audience are always up and ready for an actor who has style. Even if you have zero talent in acting, your stylish movements would round it up to a perfect ten. When making hand and leg gestures, make sure you a hire a sound effects specialist to standby nearby to provide the appropriate sound effects for your every move, even if you're just flashing the middle finger.
14. Pretend to be charitable
Visit your nearest beggar and give him a good hug and a donation. Arrange a caterer to provide food for the homeless and play with the kids at the orphanage even if you dislike children. Make sure the press are around to capture these moments, it will help boost your image.
15. Procrastinate your political direction
Even if you're not into politics or don't even know what politics is about, pretend to be actively making political remarks such as criticizing the government on their lack of initiative in helping the needy. Always include the needy in your topics to win the heart of the public. When questioned on your political stand or direction, tell them you're not interested in joining politics, you just want to help the people. You will be admired and worshiped like a God after that, with posters and effigies of yourself decorating the streets.
Once you have all these criterion, you are ready to make your debut in the Tamil cinema industry. If you abide by all the rules mentioned, your chances of becoming a superstar is surely guaranteed. Once you are a superstar, you will enjoy these perks:
1. Immortality
Even against a thousand men with machine guns, 95% of the bullets will miss you by inches and the remaining 5% that hit you aren't lethal enough to kill you. You will also have the ability to jump off the 10th level of a building and land safely at ground zero.
2. The ability to fly
A superstar is practically weightless and does not need a cape or a red underwear worn outside during fight scenes. A superstar can jump from one building to the other without much effort. No strings attached.
3. Instantly become a martial arts specialist
You may have got your bottom whooped in karate class during primary school but all that is history when you're a superstar. Be it Kung Fu, Karate, Judo, Taek-Wan Do, Silambam, Wushu or even Sumo, you are the Grand Master. You are a Jedi Master greater than Qui Gon Jinn because ol' Quiggy lost to Darth Maul and if you were to square off with Darth Maul, you will beat him because in Tamil cinema, only the good will prevail in the end.
4. Lawsuit free
When fighting, you will break lamps, set mills and cars on fire and even blow up the White House, but you won't have anything to worry because none of the owners will dare take up a lawsuit against you because of your status. They wouldn't even ask for compensation. They would gladly exhibit their damages and say "The Superstar was here and he broke this".
5. Babe magnet
You might have the face of an ape but you will have Aishwarya Rai on your heels. You are the greatest flirt there is, with every single girl going head over heels for you. But remember, you can only flirt, the sex only comes after marriage.
6. The bigger the better
As a superstar, there isn't much worry about maintaining your weight. The bigger you are, the better. Even at 175kg you will still be able to fly.
7. Your words are divine
Whatever you say, your words are considered biblical and will be followed by everyone. You are the Messiah with an underwear instead of a loincloth. Your 'punch dialogues' are so powerful your enemies lose half their strength with the urine they pass when they hear your words.
8. No offense with abuse of women
Whether you're a husband, boyfriend, fiance, brother or a son, hitting a woman only proves your masculinity and it is ensured that no lawsuits will follow.
9. Flawless
With all those Kalkis, Arasis, and Chittis (Tamil serials) portraying the women as a flawless race, the silver screen proves the opposite. The men, especially the superstar is always innocent and right and all relationship/marriage breakups are the faults of the women.
10. Best treatment for hair loss
As you age, you will be facing hair loss between the ranges of slightly and shiningly bald. You shouldn't be worried of this because as a superstar, you will be granted jet-black, stylish hair in a matter of moments.
11. Eternal youth
Even after 37 years in the industry, you do not have to worry of being offered fatherly roles because as a superstar, you will be automatically offered a role of a character within the age range of late teens to early thirties, alongside the heroine who happens to be your granddaughter.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Surprise!
There was this British guy who hired three people for his coal mine, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese. He designated the three of them to three separate tasks: the Indian was to be in charge of logistics; coach and rails etc, the Malay was given the task to set up the lighting and the Chinese was to overlook the supplies.
After 2 months, the Brit came back to visit his coal mine and to inspect on whether his men had carried out their chores properly. He rode in a coach and he was pleased with it. He praised the Indian for his work. As he rode into the coal mine in the coach, he noticed that the mine was well lit, and gave the Malay a pat on the back. But as he was riding further inwards, he realised someone was mising, the Chinese. "Where is the Chinaman? He's supposed to be in charge of the supplies. How could he be absent?!" He asked furiously.
Suddenly, the Chinese popped from nowhere and yelled "SUPPLIES!!!"
This is an old joke I heard quite some time ago and I remember laughing really hard at it. But what made me laugh even harder was the fact that the person who told me this joke was my cousin Daren, who happens to be half Chinese. And the best part is, he was unable to pronounce the letter 'R' for the first few years of his childhood. So listening to such a joke from a person who experienced such a situation before just made matters worse, worse as in funny just got funnier.
After 2 months, the Brit came back to visit his coal mine and to inspect on whether his men had carried out their chores properly. He rode in a coach and he was pleased with it. He praised the Indian for his work. As he rode into the coal mine in the coach, he noticed that the mine was well lit, and gave the Malay a pat on the back. But as he was riding further inwards, he realised someone was mising, the Chinese. "Where is the Chinaman? He's supposed to be in charge of the supplies. How could he be absent?!" He asked furiously.
Suddenly, the Chinese popped from nowhere and yelled "SUPPLIES!!!"
This is an old joke I heard quite some time ago and I remember laughing really hard at it. But what made me laugh even harder was the fact that the person who told me this joke was my cousin Daren, who happens to be half Chinese. And the best part is, he was unable to pronounce the letter 'R' for the first few years of his childhood. So listening to such a joke from a person who experienced such a situation before just made matters worse, worse as in funny just got funnier.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Goodbye My Friend
Well Kirthi, my friend, it's been what? 8 years since we've known each other? Such a long time we've been mates and the fact that you're leaving just saddens me. What rips the jugular is the fact that you'll leave in the company of a few men in blue to spend your life in a cage. This, I never did expect for the very least.
Years ago, seeing two kids run down a street while kicking a ball around in what would have looked like a suicide attempt with all those cars and trucks passing by, I never knew I'd actually forge a friendship with you ever since.
What an innocent boy you were, barely knowing how to kick a ball properly. I still remember how you and your brother would fight for the ball and try to outwit each other. It was a circus of comedies in fact, you and your brother.
But as years passed by, we became friends, football buddies, teammates, beerheads and um...relations? The last one was a big suprise to me. 8 years of knowing each other and none of us knew we were related. And how does the relationship go? You're supposed to be my uncle? Damn it, you're 19 and I'm 24, I'm never gonna allow that to happen. Not when you're still a naive kid who can't really play well with his drinks. No siree.
And despite how busy we are, we'll always make time for the mamak, along with the rest of our famed club, Pukitiang FC. I guess that's what bonded all of us together, being Pukis. Or PuKiz is your paraiah manner. I'm sure the rest are gonna miss you dearly. Addy, Parivin, Cinaport, Ah Peng, Kenya, Sappi Sam, Sappi Dan, Hari and even your brother, silently. After all, you are our favourite striker and the only defender I could trust. You really meant a lot to Pukitiang. I'm sure the boys and me are gonna find a hard time finding a replacement for you, and waiting till you serve time in the can isn't really a practical thing as well.
We could say we practically grew up together, or for the later part of our teens for that matter. I know your story and you know mine, although there's much of us still yet to be told. But whatever it is, we've been great brothers all these years.
So whatever it is Kirthi, we will have you in our hearts. We're definitely looking forward to your return, hopefully sooner the better.
So long bro, be a good boy in jail. Stay away from the anal rapists.
In Loving Memory
Kirthi 'Koothi' Ganesh Paramanathan
Years ago, seeing two kids run down a street while kicking a ball around in what would have looked like a suicide attempt with all those cars and trucks passing by, I never knew I'd actually forge a friendship with you ever since.
What an innocent boy you were, barely knowing how to kick a ball properly. I still remember how you and your brother would fight for the ball and try to outwit each other. It was a circus of comedies in fact, you and your brother.
But as years passed by, we became friends, football buddies, teammates, beerheads and um...relations? The last one was a big suprise to me. 8 years of knowing each other and none of us knew we were related. And how does the relationship go? You're supposed to be my uncle? Damn it, you're 19 and I'm 24, I'm never gonna allow that to happen. Not when you're still a naive kid who can't really play well with his drinks. No siree.
And despite how busy we are, we'll always make time for the mamak, along with the rest of our famed club, Pukitiang FC. I guess that's what bonded all of us together, being Pukis. Or PuKiz is your paraiah manner. I'm sure the rest are gonna miss you dearly. Addy, Parivin, Cinaport, Ah Peng, Kenya, Sappi Sam, Sappi Dan, Hari and even your brother, silently. After all, you are our favourite striker and the only defender I could trust. You really meant a lot to Pukitiang. I'm sure the boys and me are gonna find a hard time finding a replacement for you, and waiting till you serve time in the can isn't really a practical thing as well.
We could say we practically grew up together, or for the later part of our teens for that matter. I know your story and you know mine, although there's much of us still yet to be told. But whatever it is, we've been great brothers all these years.
So whatever it is Kirthi, we will have you in our hearts. We're definitely looking forward to your return, hopefully sooner the better.
So long bro, be a good boy in jail. Stay away from the anal rapists.
In Loving Memory
Kirthi 'Koothi' Ganesh Paramanathan
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Choices and Sacrifices
Life hasn't been treating me very well in recent weeks. It's not that I've been ridden with bad luck, but the fact that it involved one of the most important aspect of any ordinary person's life: Decision making.
And what leads to one coming to a point where he or she needs to make a decision? Choices. What really makes the decision process a really difficult or near impossible one is when the choices are too good to be true, often having catches here and there. And these catches needs the decision maker to make certain sacrifices in order to complement the decision. It's either you make the choice and lose a few things you love or the exact opposite, keep the few things you love and lose the choice. The bitter truth is, when you decide to lose either the love or choice, there's no turning back because opportunities only come once.
I've been facing some problems at work which has left me financially stricken and on the verge of a mental breakdown. The only way out is to get another job. I've landed many interviews and the big one was with The Malay Mail. A friend of mine recommended me to one of the editors and I was scheduled for an interview.
The Malay Mail. THE MALAY MAIL. Gosh! Now that's huge. I met the editor and chief editor, did a small test where I had to write an article on the betting phenomenon that has struck the Anwar sodomy case. Betting? I know nothing of the betting taking place involving this case! So I got to my usual self which is to bullshit my way through 8 paragraphs and surprisingly they enjoyed it. I drew a sigh of relief cos I actually expected the editor to throw his shoe at me instead of a compliment. The Editor In-Chief told me that there weren't any positions for writers at the moment but he would try to open up one for me. This is of course I met them thanks to a recommendation of a close friend of theirs.
I was excited at first, but as days turned to weeks, the excitement thinned to become something more of a worry. The Malay Mail as we know them, are an afternoon paper. They start operations in the afternoons and only end late at night. I was alright with all that. We had to work in shifts, I was fine with that also.
The Malay Mail was a good escape plan for me. But I knew I wouldn't like the job. Deep inside I knew something wasn't right. Something told me that if you take it, I'll have to give up something really dear. Something I helped build from scratch. BLOOD LEGION.
At the moment we're finding it hard to meet up and jam and a shift schedule would just add to further inactivity and I don't want the worst to happen, throwing in the towel. All of us agreed if we start this, we're not gonna end it, at least till one of us is dead.
So the time for me to make one of the most important decisions arrived, and I chose to stick with the band and turn Malay Mail down. It was a hard task to accomplish, especially telling the editors of my decision. It wasn't pretty in all. Had a few shellings here and there, but I'm cool.
Turning down the Mail offer was not merely a choice but I look at it as a sacrifice. Sacrificing a chance to be a part of one of the biggest, most controversial papers in the country, which many would regard as a respected achievement, only to be in the company of 3 other fellow brothers to continue something that has already started. Call me silly or whatever, but the band is one of the biggest priority to me. We may not be making any money or fame out of it, but it still keeps us going. Metal is more than music to us, it has become our faith. Something we believe in, something we'll defend till the end.
And what leads to one coming to a point where he or she needs to make a decision? Choices. What really makes the decision process a really difficult or near impossible one is when the choices are too good to be true, often having catches here and there. And these catches needs the decision maker to make certain sacrifices in order to complement the decision. It's either you make the choice and lose a few things you love or the exact opposite, keep the few things you love and lose the choice. The bitter truth is, when you decide to lose either the love or choice, there's no turning back because opportunities only come once.
I've been facing some problems at work which has left me financially stricken and on the verge of a mental breakdown. The only way out is to get another job. I've landed many interviews and the big one was with The Malay Mail. A friend of mine recommended me to one of the editors and I was scheduled for an interview.
The Malay Mail. THE MALAY MAIL. Gosh! Now that's huge. I met the editor and chief editor, did a small test where I had to write an article on the betting phenomenon that has struck the Anwar sodomy case. Betting? I know nothing of the betting taking place involving this case! So I got to my usual self which is to bullshit my way through 8 paragraphs and surprisingly they enjoyed it. I drew a sigh of relief cos I actually expected the editor to throw his shoe at me instead of a compliment. The Editor In-Chief told me that there weren't any positions for writers at the moment but he would try to open up one for me. This is of course I met them thanks to a recommendation of a close friend of theirs.
I was excited at first, but as days turned to weeks, the excitement thinned to become something more of a worry. The Malay Mail as we know them, are an afternoon paper. They start operations in the afternoons and only end late at night. I was alright with all that. We had to work in shifts, I was fine with that also.
The Malay Mail was a good escape plan for me. But I knew I wouldn't like the job. Deep inside I knew something wasn't right. Something told me that if you take it, I'll have to give up something really dear. Something I helped build from scratch. BLOOD LEGION.
At the moment we're finding it hard to meet up and jam and a shift schedule would just add to further inactivity and I don't want the worst to happen, throwing in the towel. All of us agreed if we start this, we're not gonna end it, at least till one of us is dead.
So the time for me to make one of the most important decisions arrived, and I chose to stick with the band and turn Malay Mail down. It was a hard task to accomplish, especially telling the editors of my decision. It wasn't pretty in all. Had a few shellings here and there, but I'm cool.
Turning down the Mail offer was not merely a choice but I look at it as a sacrifice. Sacrificing a chance to be a part of one of the biggest, most controversial papers in the country, which many would regard as a respected achievement, only to be in the company of 3 other fellow brothers to continue something that has already started. Call me silly or whatever, but the band is one of the biggest priority to me. We may not be making any money or fame out of it, but it still keeps us going. Metal is more than music to us, it has become our faith. Something we believe in, something we'll defend till the end.
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